To Hell and Back.

Suffering from anxiety is like watching yourself slowly drown and not being able to do anything about it but watch. No matter how many logical reasons you have to remain happy or positive, when it kicks in, you can hear nothing else.

There are times when you think of things that you don’t want to think about because the memories instantly bring tears to your eyes.
However, deep down you know that talking about it is the only way of preventing them from eating you up from the inside. And so you cry but make sure through the tears the story is told.

Here is my story.

I had my first panic attack when I was all grown and in college. It was so unexpected because it came to me at a time when I was feeling so happy and having so much fun. I was with my friend, we were just about to sleep when a sudden wave of sadness came over me and engulfed me so strongly I couldn’t breathe. At first my friend thought that it might be the alcohol, but I knew I was sober. It was not the alcohol, it was the world in my head taking over my reality and I fought. I fought so hard with everything I could because I was so scared.

I thought I was going to die, I thought I was going crazy and I thought I was losing control. I just didn’t know that I had already lost control the moment it all begun. I was confused because I had never been diagnosed with a respiratory disease. Then why was I gasping for air and wheezing? I had only seen an asthma attack back in high school on one of my classmates and that was the only thing I could make sense of. And so I kept on fighting. I was indoors but all I wanted was to go outside because I couldn’t breathe. I asked my friend to take me outside. But outside wasn’t any good, I felt more suffocated than when inside.

My entire body was shaking  and not because it was so cold outside but because of the terror inside my own head. I wanted it all to stop. I just wanted to feel okay again. The tears came down even faster. I looked at myself and couldn’t recognize who that was, because the body was mine but I had no power over anything. So I just sat there and cried. Under normal circumstances I could cry until I couldn’t cry anymore. But that night, I could not even find that control. I had never been so scared in my life. My friend was scared because he didn’t know what to do, he tried talking to me but I only cried even more. I looked at his face and through the tears, I could see that he was crying too. He was crying for me because he had never seen anything look so sad and tortured like I was. In a way he understood that even he could not do anything to stop such level of sadness. And so he held me in his arms and slowly rocked me.

For over 2 hours, I cried my heart out. All of the bad things and the bad memories that had been locked up in my head came flooding and swallowed my whole being and soul. They were the two longest hours I have ever had to watch pass by helplesslly. Finally, my body couldn’t take any more and I fell asleep. I wasn’t sure I would have the energy to wake up ever again. I almost, almost gave up 😭. I woke up the next morning. I felt sick, I felt weak, I could not support my own weight and I could not walk. I could not see either because my eyes were too swollen to see.

Somehow I knew that was only the beginning and I would need to be prepared for more to come. All I could will myself is that “I hope I will have the strength when the time comes”. I dared not imagine it.

Anxiety disorders leave behind the worst kind of emotional, physical, mental and spiritual exhaustion. Only those strong enough can take too much to live through it all and summon the courage to tell their story.

Be kind, always be kind to each other. I understand that we are all human and we are not perfect. But whenever you can, be kind to another. Some have been to hell and back.

If I Were Asked to Describe Disappointment

😕

If I were told to describe what disappointment fees like. I would ask for you to imagine your hand stretched out for so long,

….. reaching out for the other person’s hand, just so the other person can hold you back. But they walk away instead.

So you just have to lower your hand. Even after all the persevering because your hand was so tired. While you kept remembering their promise to return their hand.

It stings like hell.

Regardless, life has to go on.

That’s Disappointment

What if we stopped caring so much?

Some days you won’t do your best and you never have to feel guilty about it. The secret is to know that sometimes it is going to suck, it is going to get so boring. You are allowed a moment of self pity if that is what is going to get you moving forward and doing your best.

………… I’m bored.

Everything around me is so normal it’s depressing. There’s no one to even argue with or get mad at. It’s just me with my stupid TV and my thoughts.

One thing has been bothering me lately though.

Is something wrong with me? Or am I just in the wrong timeline, timezone, erra, lifetime?🤔

I’m never one to do the same thing over and over and be okay with. That applies to the guys too.
It normally happens this way. I meet a great dude, and it’s all fireworks🤩 and chemistry at its peak at first☀️. Then I only get to enjoy that energy and vibe for a short while before it becomes normal. Within no time, it becomes too normal. And the next thing I know, I’m bored🙇‍♀️.

It never used to be this way. I guess I just got used to the routine that I’ve mastered it too well.
The same goes for my job. And I’m not saying I hate my job. Contrary, I actually do enjoy doing it. But the problem is, I do the same thing everyday and as fun as it might be. It’s gotten boring.

So tell me. Is this normal. Am I normal?

Why do I even want to be normal though?😕 I’ve always wanted to be different. You won’t believe it but actually my daily mantra is “Fuck society.” 😅

Now I realise I was never one for the normal to begin with. See. I was born yes? Which was inevitable I guess, because, well,here we are. Then I enrolled to preschool and slowly made my way towards a university undergraduate degree. All this while I was being the good African child I was expected to be. But. All this was routine. Someone (in this case my parents) saw that I needed to do and be that way🤷‍♀️.

But now that I’m not a child anymore, I can do my own shit. I can make my own decisions. I can do whatever I want to do. However, it might sound simple but it’s quite hard. I got so used to routine I don’t know how to do what I want to do anymore. I know what I want to do. But I don’t know how.

Argh! This sucks., 😒😐

In my head I’ve visited so many places. Some existent some non existent. I’ve been there regardless. I’ve done alot in my mind. In reality though, things are different.

One is, because I’m so damn broke all the time I can’t even remember how it feels not being broke. Some day I hope I get to experience that. I just wish/hope it is soon.

But then again that entirely depends on me. And that’s where I sigh.

Now I’m just sitting in my very comfortable chair, with my phone in my hands, typing endlessly until I get to the end. But there’s no end really.

I just need something to happen for me soon..

Oh,and also. I need to figure out my shit regarding the other gender, because the way I’m seeing things,. Enhe. I’ll turn out to be that rich Aunt who doesn’t have a husband or kids.

Just saying.

I love nature though 😊. I guess me and her will never grow out of each other. That’s some solace. Phew!

Adios.

Service to Humanity

The greatest Calling is Service to Humanity. Giving the promise of life even to those who don’t yet understand its perception gives hope for the future. Donating blood can be done by anyone who is able to. We have always been, Are and will continue to be our own saviors. Humanity depends on your good heart of Philanthropy.

They say “The greatest Calling  is Service to Humanity”. I come from a third world country that reports health issues every passing second and has been known to rely on Foreign AID since time immemorial.

Amid the covid19 pandemic, which didn’t choose to spare anyone from the poor to the old to the struggling and the dying, Maternal and Neonatal Health (MNH) has been hugely affected not just in my county Bungoma but my entire Country Kenya and my continent 🌍 Africa. Mothers are constantly dying and Neonatal’s health affected because of lack of sufficient blood in our local and national blood banks. With so many in need, the supply continues decreasing and so does my community’s health status.

But I choose not to stand there and watch while I have the means to help alleviate the problem. Through my Community Based organization BungomaYouthConnect (BYC), we have been able to collaborate with other groups; Manchester United Fans, Rotaract Club of Bungoma and Andy’s Greens through Community Health Volunteering, liaising with the Bungoma County Government Health Department to mobilize the public towards donating blood to save lives.

From the young to the old we all selflessly commit to serving humanity even in however small ways.
As the Bungoma Community We continue playing our part.

Donate Blood Save Lives.

https://www.linkedin.com/posts/susan-sindani-a53288123_covid19-bungoma-kenya-activity-6725641250508161024-tvXm

What’s the point! Death Keeps Winning.

Here is my story of death.

One question keeps me up most nights bringing all kinds of feelings and emotions and thoughts in my head.

If we are all going to die eventually, then what is the point of life? What is the point of anything really?

Although I have always believed in reincarnation and existing even beyond our death, I can only imagine that to a certain level. The truth is, like you, I’m just as human and some things are beyond our understanding. Such things are beyond my and your reach. And so I just remain wondering. What’s the point anyway?
Sleep usually comes and I wake up the next day feeling thankful to be alive and healthy all over again but deep down, one fear remains constant. I beg the universe to not let anyone die on me today.

Right now in this moment, I am on my knees. Begging to whoever or whatever is within the reach of my silent thoughts and prayers , that with the ability to do something about the wishes of this one human. It might sound too much to ask of just one person but I ask regardless. Destiny, Fate, God, Nature, Spirits. Please intervene and spare me the agony of having to lose one more loved one and witness others’ suffering.

Death though, I eventually learned, will keep disappointing me, you, us. I first lost my Maternal grandpa and all I could think was;

How is Mama doing? God please give my Mama and her siblings the strength they need.

I did my best to be there for her and everyone else. Then I lost my dear Uncle. My heart bled, there were endless tears and nightmares. I was angry and sad and scared. For my family, for me, for my cousins and for the entire human race. I asked the same questions, that never get answered.

What is the point of living 😔.

During the same period my Aunt was in a terrible accident that got her crippled. At that point, I didn’t have the strength to wonder anymore. I silently was grateful for life. But then again, Death kept knocking. We lost out Paternal grandfather to the Angels. Again. At this point I started accepting the fact that life really is short. My grandfather did his best, and held on until the New year’s Eve when he finally rested. My heart broke a bit more. I tried to be strong but my knees gave way and I crumbled. I sobbed for me, for my dear short life.

In that moment I hoped and keep hoping that at least I will leave a meaningful impact behind before I am taken by Death. We buried yet another loved one. The state of not knowing is the worst curse bestowed upon the human race. One that I and you will bear to the end.
Yet again, I lost my mentor, my dear young friend to Death. Numbness mixed with anger and unanswered questions. This is not a feeling that I can explain with words because even then, I had nothing to say.

What I keep collecting on this earth are the memories. Memories I have of those I have lost and those I’m yet to lose before the world loses me. I refused to look death in the eye long before I understood it. What is the point of doing that when we can forget for a moment and have a little fun for as long as it lasts. All these goodbyes have hurt the most because the stories were barely finished. Disbelief continues being my close companion with anger following in the wake.

No one will ever find the right words to tell to a grieving soul. Nor will we ever get the formula for overcoming grief. With each day comes another painful situation and memory that we all have to learn to deal with and live with. Life is one big mess. It is a mess. I am grateful for my friends and my family. I am grateful for you and for the universe. I have accepted the idea of my own demise, but I don’t think I have the strength to accept the death of anyone else. This acknowledgement in itself is a stab in the heart of someone else I am dear to. But it really is an endless loop.

Let’s just keep living till we cease to exist. Until then, I will keep wondering.

What’s the point if Death keeps winning ? 😔😢☠️

Bit by Bit, We’ll Make you Whole.

When you give until there is none to give, trust that the next person would see what you saw and build up from where you left. We’ve got to give, bit by bit to make them whole

The moon was so beautiful, that the ocean held up a mirror.

Ani Difranco

Sometimes it takes a little more time, a little more patience, effort, energy and a little more love to get to the fleshy part. In the meantime you’ve got to get used to surviving on the bread crumps for a little while longer than you had anticipated. Because, it takes layer from layer to finally get to the core. And sometimes, you might just give up because you can only wait for so long and when it feels like you are almost forgetting yourself in the process, you’ve got to stop and hope that the next person would find it easier than you had. That they would not have to begin from zero like you had to. That they would not have to sit through the constant dissapointments while holding on to that small bit of hope. That they would finally get to where you couldn’t and save them. That the next person would scratch the core and crush those highset walls. That the next person will finally achieve it for the ones that have come before. That you all could watch how that person that was once so locked inn, open their heart to the world and taste the depths of what you all have been trying to make them see.
And then, wherever you will be, you can now smile. That breath you’ve been holding in can then escape in a deep sigh.
Only then.

Yours Truly
🖤
With Love….

WHO IS THE ENEMY?

“I raise up my voice, not so I can shout, but so that those without a voice can be heard. We cannot succeed when a majority of us are held back” Malala Yousefzai.

SHARED COSMOS

“…The line between the two enemies is a fine one…”

 “What is worse than indifference is when people’s nationalism allows for the conscious rationalisation of brutality as part of a political balance sheet. It is but a grave oversight when people shift their responsibility towards moral values for the duty to obey.”

– Aysha Taryam

On March 25 2020, President Uhuru Kenyatta stood before the nation at a press briefing in State House to give the larger nation direction on matters Covid-19. These would be updates on measures underway alongside those yet to be taken in a bid to slow down the spread of the SARs-Cov-2 virus. The brief began with news on recent confirmed cases to the tune of three (as of the 25th), which has since risen to 38 and 1 reported death of a 66-year old man who had prior health complications. The press statement…

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Feed that Silence

“I may be quiet but I have so much on my mind “….. But who says you have to be quiet. Don’t we all have so much on our minds.. Tell her what you think about when your eyes meet. What do you see when you look at her looking at you and she smiles looking away just so you can’t see what she’s afraid you might in those eyes😌. What do you think about that? You do not have to talk, I’m asking you to show her. Because you see, the truth is on a scale of one to ten😉, you are nine and she is the one you need. Why can’t you just tell her what you feel, because how you act is really confusing her.
Since that day you looked at each other a little too long to be just friends, she knew🧚‍♀️🧚‍♂️. From where she is, she sees this beautiful boy, with the perfect eyes. He makes her laugh so hard that she snorts like a cute piggy🐽. She can’t stop thinking about his hair and would die to run her hands through it. But can she just? She is not sure how you will take it. “Maybe he might love it or maybe he might think I’m weird” she thinks. She mentally puts her hand back to her sides and waits for the right time. She hopes that time comes.
Your stories are funny. She is watching you talk, laugh, smile and she is wondering just how everything you do can be so hot🥺🤯. She is being really shy but she is trying not to show it. Which she is failing at terribly. On a normal day, she is never shy. She likes to think of herself as one who makes boys blush. But not when it comes to you. It scares her a little, but puts butterflies in her tummy🤩. You are a cute challenge to her and she can’t wait to explore.
Unfortunately, it’s time to say bye, for now. You drop her off with a soft peck on her cheeks and a warm hug🤭😍. She can’t stop smiling on her way home😇. Just like that, she’s had the best day. And suddenly all the love songs are about you😵😵. She ignores all the other guys who want her because she is too busy noticing the one she wants.

You are the love that came too soon without warning. You had her heart before she could say no. So, stop being so cute and let her know how you feel about her. Don’t keep her waiting for too long.

Terrified of What’s Next?

You will never know what you are truly capable of if you cannot be brave enough to step out of your comfort zone and leave behind the familiar, safe, easy and more friendly options.

Have you ever thought to yourself, Why was I not born into so much wealth like some people? Because this way, you would not have to go through all that you are going through. This is a random thought that crosses most young people’s minds. Especially when you have to wake up every morning and be reminded of how jobless you are and can only rely on some hope that one day, the light will shine your way. Your parents/guardians did the best they could to get you here. They paid for your tuition fee, provided for every essential need they could and managed to get you to where you are right now. You are an adult, above 18 years and according to the law, you are capable of making your own decisions.

But the reality is, this is Kenya for us and you probably are not going anywhere anytime soon, so you better brace up. We are currently at an unemployment rate of 9.31% and honestly, if we compared to other years such as 2003, we are better off today. Because you see, back then the rate superseded 10%. This makes you wonder, HOW?? If it is this bad now, how did the unemployed people back then cope?

You have to remember that in the category of unemployed Kenyans, there are those who used to work but lost their jobs and are searching for new jobs. There are those who are now jobless because of a certain economic downturn. And then there is US, who are fresh graduates with no experience whatsoever, just theory and a few months of field attachment. You look at your situation and compare it to those with more experience, more connections and are also looking for jobs and you almost lose hope. But you cannot afford that luxury, can you? There is no way you can give up because you have come so far…You therefore, sit down and start brainstorming. Reality hits so hard and the truth is you need to find a way of sustaining yourself. You start applying for every job that comes your way. People tell you that even if you do not meet the requirements, just apply because you never know!! But deep down, you know that chances are very low. As much as that truth isn’t always comforting, it is however real.

Learn to think out of the box and use the resources availed to you to create an opportunity for yourself. Push aside the doubtful thoughts of your business ideas failing. It is only in taking risks that life becomes the daring adventure it should be. Today’s generation has been blessed with limitless access to new technologies that emerge with every passing hour. I implore you to get out of your comfort zone and think creatively. Don’t dare do nothing because when the day is over, nothing is what you would have gained. We do not have any choice. I’m not saying that you should stop applying for those internships and job opportunities. I’m saying that you should not put all of your hope in that, think of something else. Something of your own.

There is strange comfort and fulfillment in knowing at the end of the day that you did something constructive. I will tell you this with complete certainty…without any risk, no reward is achieved and the struggles you go through today will eventually become the good old days you will laugh about tomorrow.